Fabricating A Medium To Share My Overwhelming Thoughts..

Life: An Elaborate MCQ!

More often than not, we’re presented with a situation that makes our consciousness split into multiple tracks each representing a different thinking process. And then begins the endless battle between our raw thoughts. This made me draw a parallel between our Life and a Multiple Choice Question paper as both present you with various choices now and then, and it’s up to you to figure out the right answer to move forward.

Certainly, getting to the right answer is never easy. Your choice can either result in a +1 or a -1 to your current tally. And if you’re lucky enough, it could be a neutral 0. Unlike an exam, you don’t get to know whether you made the right decision until you live with the choice you made, for a while. For example, you buy a non-returnable dress, thinking it’s going to look amazing on you, only to realise later on that it doesn’t fit you that well. 😕

At times, we are torn between deciding over two counter thoughts, like an angel and devil sitting on our shoulders. They both try to make their respective cases on why we should let either of them win. If it’s not the angel vs. devil, then we are very conveniently split between our heart and mind, you never know which one to listen to. Sometimes, you think your mind is right and sometimes the heart steals the show.

More often than not, for me, all my overflowing thoughts become a different version of me trying to convince me, for or against my other selves. This leads to a rigorous process of elimination to reach fewer options. In life, usually, there’s no right or wrong answer. It’s how we live with our decision that makes all the difference. Humans have this beautiful tendency to turn an unpleasant situation into a favourable one by being mindful and weighing the consequences. 😇

There are multiple ways one deals with difficult situations:
1. By making a pro-con list to rationally decide on which option would be more beneficial
2. By talking to friends/family to seek advice on how they would’ve dealt with a certain circumstance
3. By sleeping on it for the day because sometimes, all you need is a good night’s sleep to structure your thoughts
4. By relying on past experience to not repeat the same mistake and regret it later
5. And of course, by not overthinking, as half of the time, our brain pushes us to see so many angles on a topic that requires just one

Needless to say, choosing an option or concluding your thoughts is often mind-numbing since the option we decide to tick off in the Life MCQ comes with a long-term outcome. It can be as simple as choosing whether you should indulge in a dessert craving, or as difficult as determining your next career path. I recently watched “Everything Everywhere All at Once” which ingeniously explained how every life choice we make creates a new alternative universe that leads to infinite possibilities.

Like I said earlier, there’s no right or wrong answer but it’s very important that instead of lamenting over “What it could be”, we should focus on and appreciate “What it is”. Clearly, it is extremely important to be grateful for what you have and once you do that, trust me, you will make sure that every possible course of action that you take orchestrates a magnificent life for you.

As I write this, I’m also spiralling between two alternatives, unable to conclude. Perhaps, I need to look back at my own words of wisdom. 😅 Feel free to leave out any advice for me! 🙂 While I try to figure out my next answer for my MCQ, I’ll leave you with a Robert Frost poem- The Road Not Taken that famously states “I took the one less travelled by, And that has made all the difference.” in case you need a little push today!

The Last Day !

I started off with this blog in 2020, thinking to myself- “Well, I’m always full of a ton of thoughts, how about I start writing them down to gain some clarity instead of spiralling into a never-ending loop of overthinking.” However, the 2020 Me kind of forgot the fact that I can go above & beyond when it comes to NOT writing. In the creative world, this is essentially called hitting a Writer’s Block (mentioning it, just to not feel guilty) 🙈

I’m no writer of course, but the pursuit of writing a perfect blog/article did stop me from writing anything this year. I did want to continue my pattern of writing at least once a year, so this is my last-minute attempt at penning down my thoughts. Today being the Last Day of the year 2022, I thought why not write on this topic itself since I’ll have to think a lot for any other topic as of now. 😅

Celebrating New Year’s has always been a very big deal for everyone around me, essentially because we want to forget whatever bad happened in the last year, carry good memories, and make the best out of the year that lies ahead of us. The Last Day automatically becomes all about self-reflection & self-analysis in order to give us a strong head start to make better Resolutions for the next year. Given, everyone wants to be a Newer Version of themselves with the onset of the New Year.

This thought made me wonder whether it’s merely a Last Day concept or is it another First of many Lasts. I know it got confusing, let me explain myself here. Whenever a homo-sapien starts making a schedule, the first thought that pops up after finalising the said schedule is – to start it from the next day (usually Mondays) and let today be the Last Day for having fun & enjoying the time to the fullest, so that, I can get serious from the next day. Trust me, it’s not just with making a time table, it’s with almost everything – let today be the Last Day of – junk food/binge watching TV series/not doing workout etc. In short, these days, Last Day has kind of become a free pass to just chillax (chill + relax) for yet another day.

Telling yourself that today is the Last Day becomes a conscious choice of procrastinating and being lethargic, hence feeling okay with zero productivity because – Hey, I can be a superhuman from “tomorrow” onwards. The only problem, at least with me, is that this so-called tomorrow never comes. Sometimes, even when we start with our routine, this tomorrow gradually, gets hidden in another layer of Last Days. In fact, it’s not just about Last Day, it can also be a Last Hour or a Last Minute thing. For instance, “I can start working on this presentation after an hour, let me scroll Instagram Reels/ YouTube Shorts for 1 Last Hour”. Another crazy analysis, “Oh it’s already 10:59, let me have 1 Last Minute of freedom and I shall begin with my work at 11:00” as if rounding off the time is going to help. 😛 It’s so easy to fool your heart/mind sometimes.

So, coming back to my initial point, the emphasis that we put on the Last Day of the Last Week of the Current Year doesn’t fascinate me any longer. In simple words, if you genuinely have a concrete plan for yourself, be it professional/ personal, that you really want to work on, you won’t wait for another hour to pass by to work on it. You will start executing your goals immediately, because practically, the right time is NOW. This blog does not intend to give you a solution on how you can tackle all these issues, there are lots of self-help books available, written amazingly well on this topic but yes, I do assure you that you’re not the only one who is stuck in this cycle.

As soon as the clock strikes midnight tonight, everyone will rejoice the moment and will be off to bed realising that 1st January 2023 is on a Sunday & on a Holiday, which means you can wake up late, because let’s be honest, who wants to start becoming a morning person on a Sunday and for sure nobody wants to cook & eat super healthy food on a public holiday. So, let me ask you now, is your Last Day really the 31st of December or is it going to be the 1st of January? since unanimously/subconsciously we do assign Monday as our Week starter. 😉

If you came this far, don’t worry I’m not going to let you go without deducing my thought process. So, to conclude, I’ve come to a realisation that if we don’t start cherishing our Today and until we keep relying on these Last Days, nothing is ever going to work out, and we’ll be sitting here again wondering where this year went and will start waiting for another New Year, New Me. I feel, we should be grateful for every healthy (mentioning this because we do take the days we feel good for granted until we fall sick) waking minute we’ve and make the best out of it. ☺️

Thank you for reading my 3rd blog. Also, just to reiterate, the purpose of this blog was definitely not to stop you from celebrating tonight but to have a better vision for the coming year and no longer be in an illusion. Wishing you & your family a very Happy New Year !! 😇

Signing Off for 2022 with this Beautiful view from my Balcony 🙂

Friends & Festivities !

Being an only child, I was a social butterfly from a very young age. I loved having a lot of friends and I hope my friends loved having me around too (if not, then it’s too late now).. 😂 Naturally, I used to hang out with my friends a lot when I used to stay in Khatauli ( a small town near Meerut).. You might be wondering why Khatauli made the list, actually, that’s the only place where I was old enough to start retaining memories because we used to move places a lot (and no, I’m not from an Army family)..

There were way too many festivals that I used to celebrate with my friends, Holi, Diwali, Weekends 😛 but Janmashtami was one such festival which somehow became very important, not just because of the significance it holds in our culture but all the little shenanigans that were attached to the day.. I’m pretty sure you’re thinking to yourself, “Wait, wasn’t Janmashtami like 4 months back”.. Yes, it absolutely was. Thus, I humbly welcome you to my world of Procrastination.. 🙈

“The festive season is a time when we feel most connected to our surroundings, and everyone is equally excited under the spell of it..
From your mom preparing the best of the dishes, to going shopping with your dad for the necessities and then to see the decorations around your area with your friends..
Nothing can beat, celebrating festivals with your Family and Friends at home, and you realize it even more once you’re away from the abode..
#MajorMissing #Janmashtami #DhaniyaPanjiri 😅”

I wrote the above excerpt in 2019, when I was in Bangalore, staying alone and missing home a tad bit too much, not gonna lie, majorly because of the amazing Dhaniya Panjiri which my mom makes.. It’s the BEST food/snack, or whatever deems right. I love this festival only to freely consume the Panjiri at 12 AM when we celebrate the birth of Lord Krishna..

The Janmashtami day would start with me waking up all excited about the Prashad (read: Dhaniya Panjiri) which I would receive at night and thus began the longest day of my year 😂 As I grew older, I realized that my parents kept a Nirjala (no food, no water) Fast for the day so evidently, I tried fasting too. When I was in standard 4, I made it very well till 8PM, but the child in me wanted Maggi by night (well, that’s what my mother tells me at least) 😂 Honestly, the only proper fasts that I kept and can recall are of this year and the previous year..

Enough about fasts, coming to the good part now.. Jhaankis are an essential part of the Janmashtami celebration where People dress up as different deities, wear their respective costumes, and perform small plays or just sit in illustrious positions.. In the evening, my friends and I would go to the temple all excited because there we used to see all sorts of Jhaankis depicting various stages of life of Lord Krishna, Lord Shiva, Lord Rama, and various other Gods and Goddesses.. Easily a display of not more than 15 minutes used to take hours and hours for us.. Once we would go together, then with parents, then neighbors.. Basically, with anyone whom we could ask “Arrey aap ne ye nai dekha, let us show you around”

Going to the temple with friends to watch the Jhaankis was the only other thing I loved about Janmashtami apart from the yummy Prashad. My friends have defined the major part of my childhood and really any festival feels incomplete without them.. Obviously being at home with Parents for the festivals is a blessing in itself but I’ve thought of my close friends as my own siblings and as I’m growing older and seeing less of them, I tend to reminisce more and more about how happy we were when we used to be in the same colony and hang out every single day.. Festivals were no less than a MET Gala event for us, from dressing up to clicking numerous pictures.. 😋 If only I could turn back time, I would want to relive and capture all those memories for a lifetime..

Well, that was about Janmashtami which was 4 months back and is 8 months ahead 😂 I’m sure I’m going to sleep tonight with the sweet memories of childhood in hopes of recreating this memory bank sometime again in the future..
Until then, “Hey Siri, Please play Memories by Maroon 5” !! ❤️

Loss !

Never thought I’ll be starting off my blog with this story but looks like it got really important for me to pen down my thoughts..

I’m sitting anxiously in my Office, it’s May 6, 2019, distracting myself with work and talking to my colleagues, hoping that the Desk Phone doesn’t ring today. You see, during that time cellphones were not allowed inside the workspace (well, that’s a story for another day). So, I had given my desk phone number to my parents so that they could connect with me anytime they wanted. It was around the evening of May 2 when I got to know that my Maternal Grandfather was admitted to the hospital and by May 6 he was critically ill and in the ICU…

He had been ill for quite sometime but I always hoped that he would get better soon. The last time I met him was on Jan 2, 2019, I was going back to Bengaluru from Lucknow after my brief stay at home for the Winters. Since I stay 3 hours away from Lucknow, I used to get ready early for my Departure flight in order to get sometime to meet my Grandfather who was staying in Lucknow with my Maternal Uncle and his family. It had become a ritual to meet him before my flight. I was going to meet him after 6 months but this meeting was going to be a bit different as he had developed Alzheimer’s by then..

As soon as I entered in his room, he was lying down on his bed. So my mother and I went inside and helped him get up. I don’t recall what his reaction was on seeing us but I do remember him smiling a bit. In our culture, we touch the feet of our elders for their blessings and so naturally I did the same. He seemed a bit lost but soon he started talking about trains passionately, he used to work as the Station Master in West Bengal. I don’t remember whether before or after meeting him, we had talked on phone once and that time too trains was all that he could talk about…

This was clicked in 2013, at Nagrakata where he used to work as the Railway Station Master, when our family went for a Guwahati trip..

Apparently, once you develop this disease, you seem to remember only few things and in his case he could only recall his Stories related to his working Days and the name of his youngest daughter as he was calling everyone by the same name. Soon it was time to go to the Airport, while I was happy that I met him finally but in my heart I was really upset because my grandfather didn’t recognize me..

Soon life returned to normal, I got busy with my work and this memory subsided as 4 months passed by. It was the month of May now and I got to know that he’s admitted and in a critical state but somehow I still thought he’ll make it through somehow because I was supposed to meet him in June again…

It’s May 6, 2020 today and exactly one year back I was dreading any phone call. I was really anxious so I went downstairs and called my father and he told me that he’s going to the hospital as my grandfather’s health was worsening, little did I know what he actually meant by that. I went upstairs right away to ask if my mother was doing fine and called her up by the same desk phone which I was hoping wouldn’t ring..

My mother’s phone was ringing and my heartbeat was raising parallelly, my Mother picked up the phone and instead of a Hello, all I could hear was my mom sobbing uncontrollably and till date I can’t forget that sound and it makes my cry whenever I recall that moment. I was numb for a second, yet in disbelief, because I didn’t wanna cry in office so I went downstairs again and called my father to ask why my mom was crying…

Then my father told me that my Nanu Passed Away..

I couldn’t believe because I was still expecting that he’ll get better soon as June was only a month away. I told my friends that I need to go back to my flat so my colleague dropped me home but I still couldn’t make myself come to the realization of what had happened…

I wanted to go to Lucknow but by the time I would have reached they would be in Gorakhpur. I tried going to Gorakhpur but by that time they would be in My Nanu’s native village. I even thought of going directly to Varanasi where the last rites were supposed to happen but still I would have been late. All I wanted was to see him one last time but it seemed as if the universe had conspired against me that day..

May 6, 2019 was one of the worse days of my life because not only I lost my Nanu but I also never knew that I loved him so much and was going to miss him to this extent. I still see him in my dreams every now and then, and I don’t know why I get startled as soon as I wake up. I call my mom to tell her everything and I really don’t know how she handled herself throughout, one strong lady…

Now, all I’m left with are the memories of him which were so special that it took me so many years to realize how special our bond was and the worst part is I don’t even have a single picture with him..

I will never forget the evening walks with him when he would tell me about all the celebrities he saw while he was in Mumbai. I will never forget watching and figuring out the constellations with him at night. I’ll never forget June 13, 2009 when my Nani passed away, and he started sobbing as soon as I hugged him- this was one memory which no one else knows..

The irony is that I still sometimes forget that he’s not there anymore, maybe because the June meet never happened. He was one of the cutest person and his hugs were equally cute. He would always get up and walk with us to the door whenever we were leaving, as his legs weren’t working properly so it was a big deal for us. I just wish I could see him one last time because, no matter what people say, Closure is really necessary in life because only on Losing Someone, you realize their true worth..

RIP Nanu, I’ll always remember you…