Loss !

Never thought I’ll be starting off my blog with this story but looks like it got really important for me to pen down my thoughts..

I’m sitting anxiously in my Office, it’s May 6, 2019, distracting myself with work and talking to my colleagues, hoping that the Desk Phone doesn’t ring today. You see, during that time cellphones were not allowed inside the workspace (well, that’s a story for another day). So, I had given my desk phone number to my parents so that they could connect with me anytime they wanted. It was around the evening of May 2 when I got to know that my Maternal Grandfather was admitted to the hospital and by May 6 he was critically ill and in the ICU…

He had been ill for quite sometime but I always hoped that he would get better soon. The last time I met him was on Jan 2, 2019, I was going back to Bengaluru from Lucknow after my brief stay at home for the Winters. Since I stay 3 hours away from Lucknow, I used to get ready early for my Departure flight in order to get sometime to meet my Grandfather who was staying in Lucknow with my Maternal Uncle and his family. It had become a ritual to meet him before my flight. I was going to meet him after 6 months but this meeting was going to be a bit different as he had developed Alzheimer’s by then..

As soon as I entered in his room, he was lying down on his bed. So my mother and I went inside and helped him get up. I don’t recall what his reaction was on seeing us but I do remember him smiling a bit. In our culture, we touch the feet of our elders for their blessings and so naturally I did the same. He seemed a bit lost but soon he started talking about trains passionately, he used to work as the Station Master in West Bengal. I don’t remember whether before or after meeting him, we had talked on phone once and that time too trains was all that he could talk about…

Apparently, once you develop this disease, you seem to remember only few things and in his case he could only recall his Stories related to his working Days and the name of his youngest daughter as he was calling everyone by the same name. Soon it was time to go to the Airport, while I was happy that I met him finally but in my heart I was really upset because my grandfather didn’t recognize me..

Soon life returned to normal, I got busy with my work and this memory subsided as 4 months passed by. It was the month of May now and I got to know that he’s admitted and in a critical state but somehow I still thought he’ll make it through somehow because I was supposed to meet him in June again…

It’s May 6, 2020 today and exactly one year back I was dreading any phone call. I was really anxious so I went downstairs and called my father and he told me that he’s going to the hospital as my grandfather’s health was worsening, little did I know what he actually meant by that. I went upstairs right away to ask if my mother was doing fine and called her up by the same desk phone which I was hoping wouldn’t ring..

My mother’s phone was ringing and my heartbeat was raising parallelly, my Mother picked up the phone and instead of a Hello, all I could hear was my mom sobbing uncontrollably and till date I can’t forget that sound and it makes my cry whenever I recall that moment. I was numb for a second, yet in disbelief, because I didn’t wanna cry in office so I went downstairs again and called my father to ask why my mom was crying…

Then my father told me that my Nanu Passed Away..

I couldn’t believe because I was still expecting that he’ll get better soon as June was only a month away. I told my friends that I need to go back to my flat so my colleague dropped me home but I still couldn’t make myself come to the realization of what had happened…

I wanted to go to Lucknow but by the time I would have reached they would be in Gorakhpur. I tried going to Gorakhpur but by that time they would be in My Nanu’s native village. I even thought of going directly to Varanasi where the last rites were supposed to happen but still I would have been late. All I wanted was to see him one last time but it seemed as if the universe had conspired against me that day..

May 6, 2019 was one of the worse days of my life because not only I lost my Nanu but I also never knew that I loved him so much and was going to miss him to this extent. I still see him in my dreams every now and then, and I don’t know why I get startled as soon as I wake up. I call my mom to tell her everything and I really don’t know how she handled herself throughout, one strong lady…

Now, all I’m left with are the memories of him which were so special that it took me so many years to realize how special our bond was and the worst part is I don’t even have a single picture with him..

I will never forget the evening walks with him when he would tell me about all the celebrities he saw while he was in Mumbai. I will never forget watching and figuring out the constellations with him at night. I’ll never forget June 13, 2009 when my Nani passed away, and he started sobbing as soon as I hugged him- this was one memory which no one else knows..

The irony is that I still sometimes forget that he’s not there anymore, maybe because the June meet never happened. He was one of the cutest person and his hugs were equally cute. He would always get up and walk with us to the door whenever we were leaving, as his legs weren’t working properly so it was a big deal for us. I just wish I could see him one last time because, no matter what people say, Closure is really necessary in life because only on Losing Someone, you realize their true worth..

RIP Nanu, I’ll always remember you…